I used to be so dependant on someone. I used to lose my sense of independance. I used to love someone so dearly. And i used to be loved by someone so deeply. Yes, i used to be in a relationship. My one and Only relationship which i treasured and cherished. It was a sad thing to reminisce back how happy we were back then. So happy that at times i felt like as though I was in a very beautiful dream. Someone to love and be loved. I loved him so much. So much that i wish i could do everything for the only him. How i would proudly say that he's my FIRST. and there is no one before him. Yes, he was the one and only. However, a stupid thinking came haunting me. And he was too weak to change that very stupid mindset. He left me in torment thinking of that matter. He left me stranded in my own fear. Eventually, when i suggested for a goodbye, he finalised it, saying if that really was my choice, he'd go for it. Never try to calm me or put me at ease, never. How I wish if he had done it so.

I did cry. But not as bad as before. Perhaps, after this initial relationship, i promised myself not to involve in such delicate situation, not until i'm fully ready. People, relationship is a beautiful thing. Don't take it as something you NEED in life. In fact, it is NOT. Tell yourself, you can live without it. Before you can even find that very soulmate of yours, you should find your real identity first. How are so sure that you'll be happy with that person when you are not happy with yourself? Let it come to you naturally. Let the fate decide it all. You play your part by searching your soul first then when you've done that, the right one will come eventually. The one that will come into your life unexpectedly yet has already fated from the above. When that day comes, you will see how beautiful relationship is. It is not something that you chance upon a person and immediately say ''IM IN LOVE''. No sweetheart, NO! You are only putting yourself in a worst position.

If you have to cry, JUST CRY. DONT SMILE. people may have said.. SMILE MORE. GO ON AND SMILE MORE. DONT CRY. but, if you think you need to shed those tears, go and cry it all out. Cry, just cry. Let all from the inside be let out through those SINCERE tears of yours. Don't smile. If you continue smiling, you are not only putting a facade or a mask but you are also LYING to yourself. What's the point of it? What's the point of doing all those thing to your VERY self? You know yourself best. SO cry more. Don't listen to those people. I may be the only one asking you to cry. but tell you what, it helps alot.

Cry with a reason. Cry with a point in mind. Cry like you mean it. Cry like there is no tomorrow. Let those awful sorrows be lost from the inside. Cry with the intention that you are gonna smile tomorrow. And those tears are not going to disturb you ever again. So better let those awful tears be out from you. Like the rain and the rainbow. How the clouds would pour those droplets and eventually a rainbow is made. I believe you are strong, my dear! Don't let those awful moments jumbled up your thinkings. Fight it. Fight it well. And lastly, getting into a new relationship is not something you'd say MOVE ON IN LIFE. no! Moving on in life is when you get to accept that very horrible thing that has happened in your life. And with that, you try to improve yourself. Dont torture yourself by trying to get into a new life in a very short period of time. That is NOT love. You are soon gona hurt yourself more and even that very FRIEND of yours. So let the nature takes it's course and you do your part by searching your true identity. With that, a beautiful love will definitely be craved in your life.

As for me, no doubt i am in love. In love with two different person from two different world, haha. In which one is something i could hold it dearly but couldnt get us to anywhere while the other is someone i could see vividly but too far to hold him near. But one thing for sure, we love each other truly. A handful actually knows about this very complicated yet loose story of mine. Namely they are Annisa, SISkaseh, Elfyee, Diyana and Bigbro Izwan. I shall tell this to Cousin Izan later on (:

Like I say, i shall wait for that very true soul of mine. And I shall let it come to me unexpectedly. No point searching cause i am someone who dosent love to pursue but if i really am interested in that someone, persuing is what i will do FIRST despite me being the girl, LOL! But it is a rare thing to do actually. In my entire life, I only did ONCE. And even up till now, the both of us are still friends. Friends at heart. See the difference. The different between the pursuing of the heart and the pursuing of the mind? If your heart pursues, the relationship/friendship tend to be stronger and longer compared to when your mind takes its role. Mind is when you see that someone by your eyes. And sometimes without you knowing it, you are actually blinded by them. However your heart is pure and sincere. You can never be dimmed by your heart.

Insya'allah that very prince charming of mine will come later on in my near future after i have achieved happiness from myself and the goals that i am aiming right now. Together both me and that very special one will view this earth from the top of the mountain, beautiful! (: