I'm afraid to go through this thing again. Once bitten twice shy. Forget about relationship. Its the process of getting into it is what i'm scared off. I dont wish to fall in love any time sooner. But head over heels, it seems that i'm starting to have the thing for someone. Still immature but in times to come, i'm sure it'll soon be ripen. Apparently my heart now seems to skip a beat as i think of all this.. of that someone.

I once fell in a deeep crush for a guy back then in 2004. The feelings remained till somewhere earlier 2009. We were close friends and still are. He was someone i admired truly, adored so much and loved terribly. He was like a special diary to me. Never i tried to keep anything away from him. He has never been kept in the dark about anything. Everything seemed to be shared with him. And he never failed to entertain me with his never-ending jokes. We used to be onlined and sms-ed till late wee hours. One thing i liked about him was the messages he sent. They were long and compact. Always make my heart go gugu gaga. Missed him, the old him, no doubt to it. But Alhamdulillah, the feelings have faded. Even though our communication never seemed to die off, but the feelings have vanished. Five years were'nt a short period of time. I believe both of us have gone through alot together even though there were'nt any knots between us. Everything seemed to just happen deep down in the heart, without we realised it.

And now, i thought i can be freed from all the feelings. Cause basically if i were to fall for someone, i'll tend to do everything for that very person. And I have this feeling that this time round, if i let it to fully ripe, the feelings will be more intense and more stronger, fortiefied by many other external factors. Wow! Still unsure if it's a good sign. Cause one thing for sure, my heart has already closed. Tightly shut. And NO entry! Gosh! Just what is the feeling I'm having right now? Is this the start of everything? Or perhaps, the beginning to the end? In which like other typical stories, hello goodbye? This is tooooo beautiful to say goodbye. I dont wish for it to happen. No, never. But my heart definitely has locked. by you?

Can i see you again?

Yesterday during the wee hours, it was hectic. Alhamdulillah, i managed to overcome those patiently and with great courage. It was my mistake. Should have checked the phone earlier. But seriously, i actually intended to take my phone out from my bag and take a pic of the scenery and both me and him. Strangely, the intention just laid off without I knowing it, gosh! Perhaps, the stories that were brought up were really interesting that i somehow lost myself in the talking mood, hmm....

Accompanied dearest Annisa to Pasir Ris Polyclinic to get herself an immunisation jap. From there we headed off to RP. After everything has ended, we then went around Causeway Point and had our chill there for an hour or so. Gosh, she was undeniably cute yesterday that i somehow felt like punching and tearing her cheeks apart, hehs!

Ouh you, your words really touched my heart that i was a little to tears. But somehow, suddenly reality struck me hard again. Till when will i have to bear with this? Till when will i have to go through this? I wonder what's gonna happen when April 9th comes. That'll be the end of us, no? Which ever it is, just so you know, the feelings will remain without us acting upon it. And the friendship will contiNOUSly blooming at heart, definitely! I love you, my friend (:

Reached home at around 5pm. So i hastened my way for the shower and all. Luckily it only took me around 5 minutes to doll myself up. He was waiting for me at the bus stop with our driver, hehs! (: The driver then drove us all the way to Safti, somewhere Jurong there. My very first time visit to OCS. Wow! It was full of greeneries. Everywhere greeneries, love it! Seriously Love it! =DD

Made friends with some of the other girls there. Good thing that they were friendly. So it was easy for me to crap myself out, LOL! Foods were all from Stamford. But those guys were really cute. Instead, they really barfed themselves with those peanuts snacks, haha! And that someone there was complaining every now and then, cute sungguh! haha (:

NS. I have a lot to say about NS. But not today. Have to take my shower in 10 min time before RUSHING myself to work. Speaking of which, i wonder what will happen to me at work. My heart is beating fast right now. Gosh! Pray for me that everything will go smoothly today, hmmm..

Ouh someone there really took very good care of me throughout the entire event. Thanks for the comfort you provided me with. No doubt, i felt like an alien since it was my first time visit. But after a while, i tend to be all comfortable. Perhaps, with the new companion i have too, Jessica. A very nice girl. Even though shes way older than me, i find it so at ease while chatting away with her that we exchanged numbers at the end of the day, lol. Gonna wish her all the best for her Sat's revisions! (:

There was this kind of advice that was given by the OCS commander (isit?) that has stuck in my head till now. I will tell further about it later on in my next entry. Good advice, really! (:

Socialise night ended up real late. Since there was still time and since i've called my mum saying that i'll be really late today, both me and him took a cab down to Suntec. Intended to watch the fountain of wealth together. Little did we know, it has already closed by nine. Grr. Without much hesitation, we walked all the way to Esplanade. No doubt, we somehow in the midst of losing our way. Fortunately NO! haha. Our dense suddenly died off the moment we saw part of the durian, LOL! So we walked towards the direction. Sat infront of the river and we chewed the fat. Talked about alot of things. From relationships to personal experience then moved on to future aims etc etc. Could have continued but because of time and the fatigue we felt, we then made our move. Took the cab again and he sent me home first before he went off. Reached home around approximately 2 am. The very first time in my life heading home that late. Shall be my first and the last as well. Hmm...

Overall it was an enjoyable day, minus the fact that.... you know i know we know. Seriously, i wonder how it'll be like at work today, O-oh! Shall update about it, definitely! Wish me luck, people! (:



Picture of me and Jessica at the function itself. Sweet looking girl she is, yea? (:

BigBrother Izwan, this post is for you! hahahahha
Since you very well wanna read my latest post about my prince charming, i believe!
And i'm very sure you know who he is, hahaha! *Okay, i know what's running through your mind right now! Biar pecah di perut JANGAN pecah di mulut ye! haha*
You better dont bring my spirit down with your Ouh-So-Nonsence-Guesses! HAHAHA! lol!
You are soooo Gonna get bullied by me the next time we meeet! Haha LOLS!
When and Where, we both shall wait and see ar, hahaha =DD
p/s: Ehhh, you better tag my blog arr!! If not, hmmm... you know la ar what will happen to you, HAHA! =DD



My Prince Charming?

Woman was made from the rib of man.
She was not created from the head to top him.
Nor From his feet to be stepped upon.
Thus, I want my Prince Charming to be someone who not only is responsible, but who is also full of discipline and dominant. Yes, I prefer the stern kind who can really guide me through. Who has his own way of thinking. The one who can stand on his two feet without having to depend on others. And definitely, strict with an objective. Doing things with reasons in mind.

She was made from his side to be closed to him.
From beneath his arm to be protected by him.
Near his heart to be loved by him.
Someone who loves me for who i am. Someone who dosent go for relationships at this very age for his goals and aims are what he should prioritise first. Hence, i'd prefer the guy who havent experience any relationships before (:

And lastly, he should have the thing for NATURE! And must enjoy running tooo! hahaha.. Basically the sporty kind of person. So that we could hang out together at the beach running or do some sports with the sky, greeneries and seas around us, WOOOO! (: Romantic!

Okay enough of that, eh wait! One last thing, he must have the passion for LANGUAGES! i'm just in love with Language people! LOLs! (:

Anyway, for the past few days, everything was unexpected. The colleagues were hillarious! And yes, I got bullied every now and then. Especially from both Cik Lina and Cik Min. All because of Annisa's upper lip. Hahah..

NO! i dont bite her lips! Even though i can be very violent and like what Cik Min said, I am the rough tough girl, still i wont be that violent to bite her lips! HAHAHAAHAH!

Work has been fun. Even though i've been slacking alot these few days. Well, i believe it can't be helped. The DISTRACTION is tooooo goood to be true, LOLs! Anyway, My home and decor is tight! Argh! It used to be very neat and had lots of spaces. Books could be taken out and brought in so easily. But now, GOSH! My heart seem to break each time i look at them, hais!

P/S: Weeeeed more of my booooks, PLEASE!!! (:

Ouh ya, guess what, one more unexpected thing happened in my life. I was really astounded by it, very! I never realised that it was both the mum and son that i was msging with at the same time. Until the next day, the news broke out, LOLS! The mum is my colleague and my special diary at work while the son is my friend, my ex senior back then in Bartley. And... ouh, the story shall be continued, hohoho! Cute la the story, very cute la! :P

To You(:,

I too love spending time with you. Being with you is something i would look forward to everyday. You're like the motivation for me to wake up every morning and headed off to work. Without you, i wouldnt wanna imagine how i'd be like during the morning duty. Yes, i am socialise, socialising is my thing. But having you around actually added up the spices. Hence, the atmosphere becomes more intensely joyous and full.

Perhaps, starting from tomorrow onwards, lets forget about us and immense ourselves completely with our morning work. We are muchly needed, bear that in mind. After 1 pm, i promised all the time is this world will be ours! Sacrifises shall be the title for this. And you, dont worry, i'm always here. Be it in rain or shine. I AM ALWAYS HERE, NEVER ANY WHERE ELSE! (:

Jauh di mata, dekat di hati! (:

Today's gonna be a tiring day for me, i bet! Meeting up with my dear Annisa aka Casper later on. Then heading back home before someone coming to pick me up to...... I shall blog about it tmr yea? (:

Takecare! (:

(Guarantee that very bigbrother want to know what happen.. and definitely he will read this blog again just to read the details of tonight! Ouh bigbrother, dont you worry, i'll take good care of myself, hahahahahaha Ouh wait, i thought you have given a duty to someone? So have trust in him yea? =D )

Just realised something, it has beeeen a long long time since i use blue for part of my says. Note the colour i'll be using from today onwards. Hehs! (:

Ia datang tanpa diundang.
Dia hadir bagaikan sakti.

Suara hatiku meraung-meraung menyatakan tidak namun ada sesuatu di dalam bagaikan meratap suatu kisah yang tidak pasti aku gambarkan. Mungkinkah ia akan hilang seperti mana ia datang tanpa diundang? Dan mungkinkah dia akan pergi seperti mana dia hadir bagaikan sakti? Yang pastinya, aku ingin lari jauh, jauh dari pandangan duniawi sebegini. Dan akan aku hapuskan segala rasa yang sedang aku rasakan kini. Biar tenang di jiwa, kembali senang di hati.

I used to be so dependant on someone. I used to lose my sense of independance. I used to love someone so dearly. And i used to be loved by someone so deeply. Yes, i used to be in a relationship. My one and Only relationship which i treasured and cherished. It was a sad thing to reminisce back how happy we were back then. So happy that at times i felt like as though I was in a very beautiful dream. Someone to love and be loved. I loved him so much. So much that i wish i could do everything for the only him. How i would proudly say that he's my FIRST. and there is no one before him. Yes, he was the one and only. However, a stupid thinking came haunting me. And he was too weak to change that very stupid mindset. He left me in torment thinking of that matter. He left me stranded in my own fear. Eventually, when i suggested for a goodbye, he finalised it, saying if that really was my choice, he'd go for it. Never try to calm me or put me at ease, never. How I wish if he had done it so.

I did cry. But not as bad as before. Perhaps, after this initial relationship, i promised myself not to involve in such delicate situation, not until i'm fully ready. People, relationship is a beautiful thing. Don't take it as something you NEED in life. In fact, it is NOT. Tell yourself, you can live without it. Before you can even find that very soulmate of yours, you should find your real identity first. How are so sure that you'll be happy with that person when you are not happy with yourself? Let it come to you naturally. Let the fate decide it all. You play your part by searching your soul first then when you've done that, the right one will come eventually. The one that will come into your life unexpectedly yet has already fated from the above. When that day comes, you will see how beautiful relationship is. It is not something that you chance upon a person and immediately say ''IM IN LOVE''. No sweetheart, NO! You are only putting yourself in a worst position.

If you have to cry, JUST CRY. DONT SMILE. people may have said.. SMILE MORE. GO ON AND SMILE MORE. DONT CRY. but, if you think you need to shed those tears, go and cry it all out. Cry, just cry. Let all from the inside be let out through those SINCERE tears of yours. Don't smile. If you continue smiling, you are not only putting a facade or a mask but you are also LYING to yourself. What's the point of it? What's the point of doing all those thing to your VERY self? You know yourself best. SO cry more. Don't listen to those people. I may be the only one asking you to cry. but tell you what, it helps alot.

Cry with a reason. Cry with a point in mind. Cry like you mean it. Cry like there is no tomorrow. Let those awful sorrows be lost from the inside. Cry with the intention that you are gonna smile tomorrow. And those tears are not going to disturb you ever again. So better let those awful tears be out from you. Like the rain and the rainbow. How the clouds would pour those droplets and eventually a rainbow is made. I believe you are strong, my dear! Don't let those awful moments jumbled up your thinkings. Fight it. Fight it well. And lastly, getting into a new relationship is not something you'd say MOVE ON IN LIFE. no! Moving on in life is when you get to accept that very horrible thing that has happened in your life. And with that, you try to improve yourself. Dont torture yourself by trying to get into a new life in a very short period of time. That is NOT love. You are soon gona hurt yourself more and even that very FRIEND of yours. So let the nature takes it's course and you do your part by searching your true identity. With that, a beautiful love will definitely be craved in your life.

As for me, no doubt i am in love. In love with two different person from two different world, haha. In which one is something i could hold it dearly but couldnt get us to anywhere while the other is someone i could see vividly but too far to hold him near. But one thing for sure, we love each other truly. A handful actually knows about this very complicated yet loose story of mine. Namely they are Annisa, SISkaseh, Elfyee, Diyana and Bigbro Izwan. I shall tell this to Cousin Izan later on (:

Like I say, i shall wait for that very true soul of mine. And I shall let it come to me unexpectedly. No point searching cause i am someone who dosent love to pursue but if i really am interested in that someone, persuing is what i will do FIRST despite me being the girl, LOL! But it is a rare thing to do actually. In my entire life, I only did ONCE. And even up till now, the both of us are still friends. Friends at heart. See the difference. The different between the pursuing of the heart and the pursuing of the mind? If your heart pursues, the relationship/friendship tend to be stronger and longer compared to when your mind takes its role. Mind is when you see that someone by your eyes. And sometimes without you knowing it, you are actually blinded by them. However your heart is pure and sincere. You can never be dimmed by your heart.

Insya'allah that very prince charming of mine will come later on in my near future after i have achieved happiness from myself and the goals that i am aiming right now. Together both me and that very special one will view this earth from the top of the mountain, beautiful! (:

Gosh! I seriously in need of a new template!
This template is so gonna be replaced!
It's old and apparently is on the verge of dying.
Wait, correction, it's aura has longed said goodye.
Another words, death has taken it's place, LOLS!
Thus, i need an updated version on it.
A new aura, definitely! To match my current mood.
Hohoho! (:


p/s: I'm in Love, baby! I'M IN LOVE! deeeeeeeply in love! wooooshh! =DD

Wait till the sun shines again!

Much LOVES,
Nur.



Yes, i'm starting to have the passion for the name NUR.
Cause it means, CAHAYA.
I wish to be the light to all darkness. Especially to that SPECIAL SOMEONE!
hehs! You know who you are. I dont care what you have gone through with all your past. But one thing i will put it in mind is..... You and Me, Our Love story.. it means more, more than any other thing in this world (:


Call me Nur, people! Starting from now onwards. =)


p/s: You introduced me to myself. My Self-Origin. Appreciate your presence. I shall thank Allah for all the happenings that has taken place yesterday, now and tomorrow (: Especially your presence in my life (:

Life has been a roller coaster for the past few days. However, Alhamdulillah, I managed to survive through those hurdles despite having to lose a dear one. Supposedly, you people should have the vague idea that the 5 years relationship has already been terminated. It wasnt any kind of misunderstanding that led it to this halt. Instead, there is a whole lot more reasons to why it happened.

Firstly, I want all happiness to be with him. Thus, i had to let him go no matter how much i dont want it to. Secondly, I want him to be a filial son who will make his parents proud of him in all matters. Hence, i have to sacrifice myself and not get myself involve in anything that has to do with him. Thirdly, I love him too much. Too much to see him suffer in the near future. In which i see his world would be in haze if he were to continue being with me. Like I say, I just want all happiness for him. In a nutshell, letting him go and terminate this relationship is the best way that i can ever think of.

Dear you, i believe that one day, that very one fine day, a lady of your and your loved ones' choice will come before you and steal your heart away. I wish you a joyous life and may smiles be with you each and every single day. Do know that this heart will forever pray for your happiness and safety. All sincere words from a girl whom you once loved so dearly and who loves you whole-heartedly.

Aside that, my sugarlove will be back sooon today. Supposedly somewhere at the later hour. Gosh, I'm missing her so much! Too much to even think how much i yearn for her return. Annisa, where are you? Tell me honestly, am i really missed by you? Cause I'm missing you terribly! And the best thing is... the colleagues have beeen making fun of me, hmph! Embarassing me with their jokes, LOL!

"Kesiaaan si Nur nie dalam kesepiaaaaan je.. Yelah Mambang dia takda kat sini"
"Ni la, mentang-mentang matair dia tkda, tulis suraaaat je lah dia 24 jam"
"Where's your boyfriend ar?? Didnt follow her ar?"
"I thought you go holiday with Casper??"

SMS recieved from Cik Min
"Ni mesti takda mood keja pasal yg sorang tu jauh di mata dekat di hati ha ha eh eh tu kan senyum manja ummi nampak kat hp"

HAHAHAHA!! Gosh, these people are sooooo CUTE! hahaha

p.s: Annisa, seeee how sharp these peoples' eyes are... They really can see through my heart.. and CELEVERLY concluded that ive missed you terribly! hahaha! GOSH! i donnoe how exactly the situation will be like when u're back, hehs! Allow me to hug you for all i want! And some kisses too yea? LOL! hahahahaah!

Cant wait for the term to start though. 20th April. A future lies in it. Ive seen myself somewhere there in years to come. Insya'Allah everything will just go fine. May it be a new breeze for me to breathe. Insya'Allah (:

For now, i dont see the need of any relationships. Cause it is nothing compared to the good future i'd position myself in times to come. When there's everything, there'll be anything in hand. But as for now, i need to stabilise my initial step and from there, i'll head on to another. Thus, i believe other matters wont do me any good help, instead it'll distract me even more. Allow me to reach the top of the mountain first before i view the wide beautiful scenery with a special companion. Yes, That special one is someone who must have already reached the top of the mountain and is now currently waiting for me to finish my steps and meet him there to view the beautiful moments together (:

[TWO ENTRIES POSTED TODAY, FINALLY, HEHS!]


Time is really short. At one point of time, no doubt it'd seem so long that somewhat we'd think of a time machine to fast forward the move. But as soon as we have reached the climax, the tip of the mountain, we'd tend to dread the coming. As though we are afraid to overcome the challenges that will be thrown to us. Hold on! Thrown? Presented to us, i shall say!

Challenges? Because of those challenges, i believe one will become a stronger and a wiser person. For overcoming a hurdle needs a lot of patience, endurance, perseverance and courage. Without those qualities, one can never step ahead and be a better person. In another words, one would actually go all out, stepping out from his comfort zone to fight the battle and get bruises and wounded all over. But eventually, after he succeeded from the struggle, he not only gain the confidence in himself but also the respect from his ownself. That's the most crucial thing one should have in themselves before they could get the respect from others.

Had dinner with both Tini and Annisa yesterday. It was fun. The innitial meeting between those ladies. Now, Annisa has already met my three girlfriends! Yay! Had a very fun talk. Well, not only that but serious talks were also being brought up. Yea, have to admit that i actually broke down inside during the last session of our talks. It was dead serious that i felt as though it's gonna be the end at that very moment. True what Tini said, it cannot happen even though how much i want it to happen. And I have to let go no matter how much i dont want it to go. And worst, its gonna be hard, real hard on me. But i have to overcome all these thing. And true what Cik Lina said. No one is at fault BUT me! Because i let it to happen when I can stop it right at the start. When i can prevent it the moment i realise it. But i didn't. I let my emotions to take control over my mind. Now, its too late. Too late to be back to square 1. It's irreversible! Serve me right. However, i don't feel any tinge of regrets to all of these, not at all. The irony of it all. In fact, I love it. I am thankful that Allah did present me with this challenge. Because of this, i found an angel who never fail to watch over me and showed me the true meaning of not only friendship but also love. In another words, it's gonna be the First and the Last!

The moment April comes.................. The date has already been decided. 4th April shall be my last day of work. In need of 2 weeks break before the start of the term.






The Library READERS! Hahaha LOL! (:

Shes my Happinesss! Love her sooo much! (:

Yea, I'VE CUT MY HAIR! woooohooo!!
After for more than 3 years i've been promising my GIRLFRIENDS that i WILL cut my hair SHORT, only now then i realised that very vow of mine, LOL! hahaha!

So what did the cut&curl gorgous man do to my hair?
Cut, Highlighted it red and lastly, did a treatment to it. $120 for all.
There goes my hard earn cash... Hmmm.. =)

ONLY ONCE IN A BLUE MOOON I SHALL PAMPER THEM WITH LUXURY. The next time round i shall hit the saloon will be mhhmm...... wait till a century later yea? (: LOL!

Till my day Off again, hehs! (:

....

My heart shattered that night when that particular topic was brought up. My heart cried aloud but never let it out from inside. We used to laugh until we had to cry. And I believe we will love right down to our last goodbye. Perhaps, we were the best. We'll ever be i supposed. We chase that dream we never found and sometimes we let one another down. But the love we made, made everything alright. For we shone so bright like the sun lighted up the universe. Time goes on. People touch and they're gone. You and I will never love again. The smile when we recall. We had it all. For just a moment. Only a moment.

Tears was welding up inside. As if the heart has taken the eyes' position. No, I cannot reveal my true emotions. I could not emit out the tears from my eyes. I thought I had to be strong. All along, i was just puting a facade with that smiles on my face but god knows how torment i was inside. Until a poem was read out to me. I felt much at ease and somehow smiles were flying over my head, trying to stick themselves to me. To the whole of me. Successfully they did. Happiness then came flowing all over me. From head to toe like the water flowing from the ocean to the river. That was how rushing the emotion came engulfing the whole of me.

My Guardian angel's weary.
Her body is aching.
Her feet are tired.
For i have put her through many trials.
My guardian angel dosen't have wings.
But she has a heart that soars way up high.
She has eyes that looks to the sky.
She has hands that yearn for the heavens.
She's my guardian angel and more.
She's my friend.
My friend, Nur.

Thanks Annisa! (: I can never find a friend, a friend like you ever. You're one in a million.
May the memories never fade away even though how far we will be in times to come. May you find your very prince charming who will take good care and love you for who you are. Just like how your little kitten loves you. Cause it's love for you can never be measured and is beyond words. Also who loves you because of Allah. In the name of god and because of Him, I love you because we are humans and we share the same gender and I never want any harm to befall you. Neither do i want you to stray yourself away from Him. So please, Take care of yourself once April comes. And please do take note of all the advises that have given to you. Never say TRY. Instead, always bear in mind that you WILL and you MUST! For the sake of no one but Allah and yourself (: You're strong, baby! You Are strong!

MRboyfriend,

It's gonna be our 6th this year. Thinking back those days, no doubt it was bittersweet. There were times when we laughed so loud as though the world belongs to only us. But there were also times when we thought it's gonna be the end of us. However, we were back again as one. And that was against all odds. We went through alot. From happiness to sorrows. From sorrows to experiences. And due to those, we learnt more about this ties and became a stronger lovers. As time goes by, the knots seem to get loosen by itself. It was so strange thinking of how it actually happened. More to unexpected i guess. We didn't feel the same feeling like how we felt before. Everything just fell apart by its own. I dont want it to go this way either. But it already had. And now, I'm in denial. I don't want to be the murderer. I want the best for you. And I'm not the best asset you can ever own. You deserve better. A girl who is of your choice. A girl whom you could lead and guide her with your ways. I love my own way now. And I believe i have yet to search my ownself. Thus, how am I supposed to manage any relationships right now. You were the best thing ever happened in my life. You not only showered me with love, gifts, cash, time etc. You also showered me with your patience, endurance, perseverance. I know I can never find someone like you. Someone who loves me like you do. Someone who could put up with my nonsence, with my obstinance. But i believe, i have to let you go. I dont wanna be selfish. I dont wanna murder you. I don't want to let you be in tears any more longer. And most of all, I want you to search for your real happiness. For all you know, the times when we were together, that was the best thing ever happened in my life. The very first guy who seemed to give his all to me despite having to have a hole in his pocket. Thanks love! (:

Much Misses,
Aeynn